“I know what men want. Men just want to break things. That’s it. Stop wasting your time reading Cosmo or shopping at Victoria’s Secret; the secret is out. Let me break it down for you.

I know this because I’m married to a man. What is the first thing my husband does when he gets up? Break the seal. Then for BREAKfast he breaks Captain Crunch in his mouth before he breaks wind and heads to the office.

Most male dominated profession? Construction. It’s all about breaking stuff. Nothing is more satisfying to them then jack hammering into concrete. The reason men cat call at you when you walk by construction sites is because they are at their happiest surrounded by rubble.

Men should not be thrown in jail for breaking the law, it’s what they love. Should I be thrown in jail for eating chocolate? Listen to Kit Kat and give me a break!

The office break room is where all the fun happens. I need a break so I can go to the kitchen for a ham sandwich, booyah!

How many times have you been at a bar and seen a guy break another guy’s arm? Thousands! I met my husband after he broke a beer bottle over my head. Love at first concussion.

Men love to break up. Before I met my Henry, men have broken up with me 1,247 times.

Time honored traditions. Buy a boat? Break a bottle. Get married? Break a bottle. If men drank all the booze spilt from these bottles the entire world would be in Alcoholics Anonymous.

My husband and I are actually on a break right now. I encourage these breaks because I know it makes him happy. I instigate reasons for him to break up with me, just so he can experience joy. Divorce, the ultimate break up, would be the best thing I could ever give him. We’ll get there, just give me time.”

-Found while cleaning out my comp. Wrote this a long time ago.