February 2012
2 posts
“Navigated” to the tune of “Faded” by Soul...
(Chorus)
Got a feeling and you’re probably right
New York is not the place to be driving tonight
You’re from out of town, not a friend around
Hairy cabbies giving you fright
They don’t like the way you’re moving so slow
Rolling down their window, calling you a-hole
When the GPS station says you’ve reached your location
Grab a tissue for those tears and blow.
What Men Want by Me - A Long Time Ago
“I know what men want. Men just want to break things. That’s it. Stop wasting your time reading Cosmo or shopping at Victoria’s Secret; the secret is out. Let me break it down for you.
I know this because I’m married to a man. What is the first thing my husband does when he gets up? Break the seal. Then for BREAKfast he breaks Captain Crunch in his mouth before he breaks wind and heads to...
January 2012
1 post
eHarmony Commercial - A Bubble Story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGBqPnZi4bw
November 2011
1 post
Shots of Jager by Cole Quirk (to the tune of...
Stress of finals week Doesn’t feel right Work due every day That I have to write Something take me away and make it OK Can’t say I’ll behave Teachers wanted control So they waited They don’t have a soul They created This awful week Grades looking bleak Should probably start Just not that smart
Staying home
Not planning to drive This is how I’m gunna survive
With shots of Jager ...
October 2011
2 posts
The Fake Up
In shocking news, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce. In not so shocking news, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce.
Lovely Bones
A new Halloween costume has been released sexing up an eating disorder, called the Anna Rexia. Another name for the costume? Supermodel.
March 2011
6 posts
Funny Flavors
This week in Staten Island, police arrested 31 people for selling oxycodone pills out of an ice-cream truck. Police were tipped off by choices of, “cup, cone, or prescription bottle.”
The Andy Samberg Song
A recent Saturday Night Live intern told me about her experience working at Saturday Night Live with Andy Samberg. Every day at SNL he told her to, “Fuck off and die.” He was probably kidding. We hope.
This one is for you, Andy.
Love, Cole
The Andy Samberg Song by Cole Quirk (to the tune of Cee Lo “Fuck You”) You see me walkin down the halls of 8H You tell me Fuck you I guess the coffee that...
Jumpsuiting for Joy
Today a study was released that Americans are living longer than ever. “What great news!” said the prisoner in jail for life.
Dirty Birdy
A study in London revealed that chickens, when air was blown in their face, experienced stress. A scientist stated, “Odd, I thought it was a stress reliever for a cock to get blown.”
Fill 'Er Up!
Yesterday, Ohio University scientists announced they can fuel cars with pee. Now the polite way to leave the dinner table is, “Excuse me, I have to use the garage.”
The Soup Wifey
In Malaysia, a 55 year old woman defended her husband by fending off a tiger with a soup ladle. The wife said to the tiger, “No husband for you!”
February 2011
2 posts
High on Death
In Florida last week, burglars snorted the cremated remains of a man thinking they had stolen illegal drugs. Police are now urging all cremated remains be clearly marked as, “Grandpa.”
Love Bites
A New Zealand woman was temporarily paralyzed by a hickey on her neck from her partner. Well that sucks.
January 2011
3 posts
Marry, Marry or Marry Me?
Yesterday on the Ellen Show, Jennifer Love Hewitt announced she has three engagement rings on hold at Tiffany’s incase her boyfriend wants to propose. After learning this, her boyfriend changed his Facebook status to “it’s complicated.”
"Everything But The Fruit" Snacks
Last week in CA, the FDA recalled “Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Chew” bars after finding high lead content. This leaves little hope for “We Have No Idea What’s In These” bars.
Coach Loves FOOTball
After making a foot fetish tape with his wife, Jets Coach Rex Ryan said he wants to win games and, “Put the shoe on the other foot.” He then stated he would take that foot, cover it in whipped cream and tickle it with a feather.
December 2010
5 posts
Drop It Like It's Orange
Yesterday it was announced that on New Year’s Eve Snooki will not be smushed inside the famous ball. Instead, several famous balls will be smushed inside Snooki.
Is That A Carrot In Your Pocket?
In an interview with Inside the Actor’s Studio, James Franco admitted that he gets turned on by rabbits. Eh, what’s up cock?
Weapons of Mass Eruption
In San Francisco last week, a man ejaculated on a TSA agent during a pat down. The man was told he could not board the plane with an explosive device.
Divine Diction
Buffalo Bills football player Steve Johnson blamed God for his dropped touchdown pass in a tweet, “I praise you 24/7 and this how you do me!” God responded, “I’ll make you a deal, I’ll let you catch the next pass if you speak proper English.”
Chipwich Way to the Party?
Last week in New York, a Mister Softee driver was fined for offering to take people to a club in his ice cream truck at 1AM in exchange for cash. The driver told the officer it was all in Good Humor.
November 2010
4 posts
XXX Factor
X Factor contestant Katie Waissel discovered her 80 year-old grandmother is a high-class escort charging $300 to $500 an hour. This explains how she could bet so much during bingo.
She Got Served
In response to a boy’s negative tweet about her mother’s show, Willow Palin called the boy ugly. He responded with, “At least my mom’s not a tea bagger!”
Atomic Mom
A Wisconsin man took a shotgun to his TV after Bristol Palin’s “Dancing with the Stars” routine. The TV was a replacement after watching MTV’s Teen Mom and nuking his TiVo.
Spread 'Em
Last week in San Diego, a man refused an airport full-body scan by saying, “You touch my junk and I’m going to have you arrested.” Followed by ripping his clothes off to music, giving the agent a lap dance and congratulating her on her upcoming nuptials.
October 2010
5 posts
Psychic Sushi
Today it was announced that Paul the octopus, famous for predicting the outcome of games during the World Cup, has died. He didn’t see it coming.
Ed & Hardy Plus Jail
This week in Australia, a city banned Ed Hardy clothing in a letter reading, “Spend the exorbitant amount of cash you were going to use on bedazzled wife beaters on your illegitimate children instead.” “Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine,” grunted Jon Gosselin.
Nice Structure
In the race for NY governor, candidate Carl Paldino said he sent pornographic and racist chain letters because, “I am in the construction industry.” He then stated the photos were used solely for erections.
Governors Gone Wild
In the race for NY governor, candidate Carl Paldino said that in gay pride parades people, “Wear these little Speedos and grind up against each other, it’s just a terrible thing.” He then whispered to his secretary to shred his pictures from last year’s Spring Break.
Multitask Much?
In Ohio last week, a woman went into labor while robbing a Walmart. Luckily the Super Walmart had everything she needed including a hospital, a rabbi for circumcision and a prison.
September 2010
5 posts
Oh Silly Kirstie
Kirstie Alley announced via Twitter that she lost 50 lbs. She took off her Snuggie, looked down and Tweeted, “JK, I found it!”
Katy Booby
After taping an episode of Sesame Street, Katy Perry will not appear on the show, due to her revealing outfit. No word if Elmo will continue to appear on the show, due to his lack of outfit.
That Must Really Snookin' Hurt!
Last week off the coast of New York, a teenage boy fended off a coyote by punching it in the face. The coyote is now the most famous animal on the new reality series “Hudson Shore.”
Baby Momma
This week, Sarah Palin gave a speech criticizing the press as, “limp and impotent.” If only she could say the same about Levi Johnson.
Rescue Me
Today, Chilean miners stuck underground were given video games to keep their minds sharp. Miners were instructed to dress in princess gowns upon rescue.
August 2010
3 posts
If the Drugs Don’t Fit, She’s Still an Idiot
Last weekend, Paris Hilton was arrested for coke possession. Paris responded, “I’m innocent, I don’t drink soda.”
Luck Be A Hoopzy
Yesterday it was reported that Shaq proposed to girlfriend Nicole “Hoopz” Alexander, Season 1 winner of Flavor of Love. How lucky, he gets to spend the rest of his life with the sloppy seconds of Flavor Flav.
Three's Too Much Company
Former celebrity gossip host Pat O’Brien returns to TV after attempting to coerce a co-worker to have a threesome. His show will be called The Inside-her.
July 2010
5 posts
Chinese Pass-Out
Yesterday at the Jinan Zoo in China, Quan Quan the panda died from gas poisoning. Investigators currently suspect her roommate, fellow panda Me Lov Beenz.
A Midsummer Night's Disaster
Yesterday on Twitter, Sarah Palin made up a word then compared herself to Shakespeare. Palin’s brain, Palin’s brain, where for art thou Palin’s brain?
Yabba Dabba Damn My Feet Hurt
Last weekend, The Barefoot Bandit, responsible for a two year crime spree, was caught. Upon release he is set to star as Marv in, “Home Alone 6: I Lost My Shoes.”
13 Step Program
Today, Metro News reported that Spain won the World Cup with, “patience and masterful ball control.” ‘Moving to Spain’ has now been added as the 13th step in sex rehab.
Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get to...
This week it was revealed that one of the accused Russian spies registered a cell phone to 99 Fake Street. Her other phone is registered to 2010 Not A Spy Street.
May 2010
1 post
Aaahh!!! Real Monsters
This week, it was announced that a 47 million year old fossil has been discovered. After years of mystery, the world learns the real age of Joan Rivers.
April 2010
1 post
Chocolate Chip Crazies
Last week in Florida, an old man attacked his neighbor’s door with a garden hoe in the middle of the night because he thought he had stolen his cookies. The man is also missing his marbles.
March 2010
5 posts
Heidi Moron
This week, Heidi Montag announced that she is not addicted to plastic surgery because it is not something she does every day. This must mean she is not addicted to thinking either.
Sexame Street
Yesterday in North Carolina, it took two hours to fix equipment failure at Time Warner Cable which caused Playboy to be shown on children’s channels. The repair man apologized that, “It took me longer than expected to get it off.”
Well Done
On Sunday, a Kentucky man high and drunk put his 5-week-old son in the oven and left him there overnight. No wonder that kid is spoiled.
Boom Boom POW
This morning, LA was shook by a magnitude 4.4 earthquake. Gabourey Sidibe must have arrived in town.