“I know what men want. Men just want to break things. That’s it. Stop wasting your time reading Cosmo or shopping at Victoria’s Secret; the secret is out. Let me break it down for you.

I know this because I’m married to a man. What is the first thing my husband does when he gets up? Break the seal. Then for BREAKfast he breaks Captain Crunch in his mouth before he breaks wind and heads to the office.

Most male dominated profession? Construction. It’s all about breaking stuff. Nothing is more satisfying to them then jack hammering into concrete. The reason men cat call at you when you walk by construction sites is because they are at their happiest surrounded by rubble.

Men should not be thrown in jail for breaking the law, it’s what they love. Should I be thrown in jail for eating chocolate? Listen to Kit Kat and give me a break!

The office break room is where all the fun happens. I need a break so I can go to the kitchen for a ham sandwich, booyah!

How many times have you been at a bar and seen a guy break another guy’s arm? Thousands! I met my husband after he broke a beer bottle over my head. Love at first concussion.

Men love to break up. Before I met my Henry, men have broken up with me 1,247 times.

Time honored traditions. Buy a boat? Break a bottle. Get married? Break a bottle. If men drank all the booze spilt from these bottles the entire world would be in Alcoholics Anonymous.

My husband and I are actually on a break right now. I encourage these breaks because I know it makes him happy. I instigate reasons for him to break up with me, just so he can experience joy. Divorce, the ultimate break up, would be the best thing I could ever give him. We’ll get there, just give me time.”

-Found while cleaning out my comp. Wrote this a long time ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGBqPnZi4bw

Stress of finals week
Doesn’t feel right
Work due every day
That I have to write
Something take me away and make it OK
Can’t say I’ll behave

Teachers wanted control
So they waited
They don’t have a soul
They created
This awful week
Grades looking bleak
Should probably start
Just not that smart

Staying home

Not planning to drive
This is how
I’m gunna survive

With shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager

Study better if I’m tipsy
Put the glass up to my lipsy

Filled with shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager

Homework is hard
When you’re behind, didn’t take notes
Got a blank mind
But with my juice
My head gets loose
Let’s put it to use

Oh
Last finals week
Did the same thing
Aced every class

I took that spring
Not changing my ways
Time to get blazed
Today is the day
Here’s what I say

Staying home

Not planning to drive
This is how
I’m gunna survive

Pouring shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager

Study better if I’m tipsy
Put the glass up to my lipsy

With those shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager

You wanna know how to study right
Lose control, get drunk just for the night
And if you share my secret
Prepare to get hit
Nobody else can see this

So watch and learn
I can show you twice
Knock em back, oooh baby drink it right
Don’t dare share my secret
Or your face gets hit
Nobody else can see this

And I study like this

Staying home

Not planning to drive
This is how
I’m gunna survive

With shots full of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager (Oh, yeah)

Study better if I’m tipsy
Put the glass up to my lipsy

With those shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager

In shocking news, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce. In not so shocking news, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce.

A new Halloween costume has been released sexing up an eating disorder, called the Anna Rexia. Another name for the costume? Supermodel.

This week in Staten Island, police arrested 31 people for selling oxycodone pills out of an ice-cream truck. Police were tipped off by choices of, “cup, cone, or prescription bottle.”

A recent Saturday Night Live intern told me about her experience working at Saturday Night Live with Andy Samberg. Every day at SNL he told her to, “Fuck off and die.” He was probably kidding. We hope.

This one is for you, Andy.

Love, Cole

The Andy Samberg Song by Cole Quirk (to the tune of Cee Lo “Fuck You”)

You see me walkin down the halls of 8H
You tell me
Fuck you

I guess the coffee that I brought you wasn’t strong enough
Cause you said
Fuck you and
Go die too

See if I was smarter
I’d be a writer
First I gotta graduate (gotta graduate)

All I can muster to say is
Have a nice day
When you say
Fuck you

See I’m sorry
You’re probably joking
But that don’t mean it don’t hurt sometimes

Cause I’m just an intern
I can make you some copies
Or even stand in a shot or too

I pitty the girl
Who comes after me cause
You’ll tell her to die and
She’ll probably cry and

Andy
I’ve got some news for you
Be nice cause I’m gunna write your jokes one day

You see me walkin down the halls of 8H
You tell me
Fuck you

I guess the coffee that I brought you wasn’t strong enough
Cause you said
Fuck you and
Go die too

See if I was smarter
I’d be a writer
First I gotta graduate (gotta graduate)

All I can muster to say is
Have a nice day
When you say
Fuck you

Now I know I’ve had to grovel
Beg and plead to help your Digital Short
Trying to show ya, I adore ya
Lonely Island’s got my full support

But, I pitty the girl
Who comes after me cause
You’ll tell her to die and
She’ll probably cry and

Andy
I’ve got some news for you
Ugh it’s hard to hate your cute face right now

You see me walkin down the halls of 8H
You tell me
Fuck You

I guess the coffee that I brought you wasn’t strong enough
Cause you said
Fuck you and
Go die too

See if I was smarter
I’d be a writer
First I gotta graduate (gotta graduate)

All I can muster to say is
Have a nice day
When you say
Fuck you

Now Andy, Andy, Andy, why d’you wanna hurt me so bad? (so bad, so bad, so bad)
Please don’t yell at me because
Your script is missing a brad (a brad, a brad, a brad)
Uh! Why? Uh! Why? Uh!
Why Andy? Oh! I love you
I still love you! Ohhhhh

You see me walkin down the halls of 8H
You tell me
Fuck you

I guess the coffee that I brought you wasn’t strong enough
Cause you said
Fuck you and
Go die too

See if I was smarter
I’d be a writer
First I gotta graduate (gotta graduate)

All I can muster to say is
Have a nice day
When you say
Fuck you.

Today a study was released that Americans are living longer than ever. “What great news!” said the prisoner in jail for life.

A study in London revealed that chickens, when air was blown in their face, experienced stress. A scientist stated, “Odd, I thought it was a stress reliever for a cock to get blown.”

Yesterday, Ohio University scientists announced they can fuel cars with pee. Now the polite way to leave the dinner table is, “Excuse me, I have to use the garage.”