“Just saw a chick in East Village totally doing the kayak of shame.” -James Coker.
@colequirk
You know you’ve watched too many tv dramas when your first reaction to hearing a police siren is, “They’ve found me!”
You’re Dead to Me
Newest possible project, with your help. Zombie boyfriend included. I need to raise my dating standards…
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/934449506/youre-dead-to-me
@colequirk
Bought shoes with sharp pointed studs on the back. My feet are now stylish murder weapons. #sexyfelony
Had a dream that Ryan Gosling tried to seduce me with a bouquet of sandwiches. I woke up and was sad to find there were no sandwiches.
“Navigated” to the tune of “Faded” by Soul Decision
(Chorus)
Got a feeling and you’re probably right
New York is not the place to be driving tonight
You’re from out of town, not a friend around
Hairy cabbies giving you fright
They don’t like the way you’re moving so slow
Rolling down their window, calling you a-hole
When the GPS station says you’ve reached your location
Grab a tissue for those tears and blow.
What Men Want by Me - A Long Time Ago
“I know what men want. Men just want to break things. That’s it. Stop wasting your time reading Cosmo or shopping at Victoria’s Secret; the secret is out. Let me break it down for you.
I know this because I’m married to a man. What is the first thing my husband does when he gets up? Break the seal. Then for BREAKfast he breaks Captain Crunch in his mouth before he breaks wind and heads to the office.
Most male dominated profession? Construction. It’s all about breaking stuff. Nothing is more satisfying to them then jack hammering into concrete. The reason men cat call at you when you walk by construction sites is because they are at their happiest surrounded by rubble.
Men should not be thrown in jail for breaking the law, it’s what they love. Should I be thrown in jail for eating chocolate? Listen to Kit Kat and give me a break!
The office break room is where all the fun happens. I need a break so I can go to the kitchen for a ham sandwich, booyah!
How many times have you been at a bar and seen a guy break another guy’s arm? Thousands! I met my husband after he broke a beer bottle over my head. Love at first concussion.
Men love to break up. Before I met my Henry, men have broken up with me 1,247 times.
Time honored traditions. Buy a boat? Break a bottle. Get married? Break a bottle. If men drank all the booze spilt from these bottles the entire world would be in Alcoholics Anonymous.
My husband and I are actually on a break right now. I encourage these breaks because I know it makes him happy. I instigate reasons for him to break up with me, just so he can experience joy. Divorce, the ultimate break up, would be the best thing I could ever give him. We’ll get there, just give me time.”
-Found while cleaning out my comp. Wrote this a long time ago.
Shots of Jager by Cole Quirk (to the tune of “Moves like Jagger” by Maroon 5)
Stress of finals week
Doesn’t feel right
Work due every day
That I have to write
Something take me away and make it OK
Can’t say I’ll behave
Teachers wanted control
So they waited
They don’t have a soul
They created
This awful week
Grades looking bleak
Should probably start
Just not that smart
Staying home
Not planning to drive
This is how
I’m gunna survive
With shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
Study better if I’m tipsy
Put the glass up to my lipsy
Filled with shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
Homework is hard
When you’re behind, didn’t take notes
Got a blank mind
But with my juice
My head gets loose
Let’s put it to use
Oh
Last finals week
Did the same thing
Aced every class
I took that spring
Not changing my ways
Time to get blazed
Today is the day
Here’s what I say
Staying home
Not planning to drive
This is how
I’m gunna survive
Pouring shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
Study better if I’m tipsy
Put the glass up to my lipsy
With those shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
You wanna know how to study right
Lose control, get drunk just for the night
And if you share my secret
Prepare to get hit
Nobody else can see this
So watch and learn
I can show you twice
Knock em back, oooh baby drink it right
Don’t dare share my secret
Or your face gets hit
Nobody else can see this
And I study like this
Staying home
Not planning to drive
This is how
I’m gunna survive
With shots full of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager (Oh, yeah)
Study better if I’m tipsy
Put the glass up to my lipsy
With those shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
I’m taking shots of Jager
